Marital Talk

Yes, I live over the top most of the time.  One of the top vote getters in the Poll entitled Strong Points of Your Marriage was Leisure Activities.  I must say that sounds fairly obvious to most people, or at least to the two or three I’ve spoken with.  But the fact is, sometimes, the very fact that there is time to be burned and that time is suppose to be spent doing something enjoyable is enough to cause conflict. 

For Wayne and I, it depends on the details of our leisure time.  It depends on if the leisure time is simply time off work, like the weekends, or a real vacation where you get in a car or plane and go sleep in a strange bed.  Let me explain.

If it is a regular work week, and there’s a holiday thrown in that gives a three-day weekend or even if a weekend comes a long that we have no plans at all, we differ completely on what "leisure activities" means. 

In that situation, leisure activities means sleep.  It means that I do not have to do the dishes until I want to, I do not have to vacuum or do laundry until I want to and I can take a nap anytime I please.  And, if that nap happens to last….oh 4 or 5 hours, that’s ok because it is my leisure activity for the time period in question.

This drives Wayne crazy.  He hates it when I sleep.  If I had my choice (and I did pre-marriage and children), I would sleep from Friday night until late Saturday afternoon, rise for a few hours and go back to bed sleeping until about mid-day on Sunday.  I would do my chores and then head back to bed in preparation for the work week.  That…that is the ultimate leisure activity for me.

For Wayne, a leisure activity means so many other things.  It means pulling out the lawn mower and working on it, pulling out the four-wheeler and working on it, waxing and buffing his car, getting dressed up nice and going somewhere nice to eat, having a few drinks and then returning home for …..well, you know for what.

I guess you can see the conflict there, eh?

Here’s what Duane W. Crawford at Texas Tech University and Ted L. Houston at the University of Texas at Austin had to say on the matter.

Obviously they did a study and:

Results indicated that

(a) new parents and childless couples do not differ in the amount of time they spend in leisure activities both spouses like,

(b) parenthood reduces the amount of time new fathers engage in leisure activities independently, (my husband would shout Amen to this one to the rooftops)

(c) parenthood increases the amount of time couples pursue activities together that are liked by the wife but not the husband, and (wow, he disagreed with this one)

(d) parenthood reduces the amount of time wives pursue leisure activities they dislike but their husbands like. (this one confuses me a little bit)

The results show that parenthood restricts husbands’ independent leisure pursuits and increases the extent to which spouses’ leisure activities reflect the preferences of wives rather than husbands.

I have to say that I don’t agree with the last one as much as I do the others.  Naturally I linked to it and you can go read it all for yourself and see what you think and where you and your spouse fall into the whole "leisure activities" subject.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you how the Leisure Activity takes on a totally different meaning when we have the opportunity to go on vacation.

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I just wanted to make sure you know that I haven’t forgot about.  I’m checking the poll and will make my final decisions and do my research on that tomorrow.  From there, we should have some fairly good information coming our way.  So, stick with me, my husband has so surely you can too.

Somewhere in Alabama: you will find:

A Crack ‘n Life

Life In Reality

TV Boyfriends

The others should be added by tomorrow.

Mom is Teaching

Marital Talk

Mental & Emotional Health

Well, as it seems, we’ve had some visitors here.  And, with that, our Poll Results have changed a little.  You can see them for yourself but I thought it interesting that Money and Parenting cause about the same about of stress and sex and chores are equal.  Trust issues come in down there with a low six percent but I will be the first to admit that I had serious trust issues in my present marriage because of the garbage from my last marriage.

So, with that, let’s see what the strong points are in our marriages.  Take this poll and let me know what you think is most important.

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Well, at this time only ten people have participated in the poll but I full expect to see a couple more people in the poll later.  And, you can look for yourself and see that 40% of the polling people say that parenting is what stresses their marriage the most.

Parenting is terribly difficult in our houses as well.  Especially since my husband and I are both only children, we really have problems discerning when to step in and when to stay out of sibling squabbles.  And, of course, one of us always thinks the other one is being too strict.

Money received 30% of the votes and I can honestly say that we don’t argue about money in our house.  We don’t have much and we just pay what we have pay and I can count the few times that money was an issue.  Both of us are very giving and our children are no spoiled.  Neither my husband nor myself grew up in a home with an endless money stream so we know how to watch what we are doing.  Our children are learning this as well too I think. 

As far as the 20% of the people who chose sex as a stressor, I can totally understand.  There are so many factors to sex after children come along that it makes sex difficult.  Find the time, having the energy, slowing down to even spend enough time with one another that sex becomes a conscious thought.  And with so many drugs out there that treat serious diseases like diabetes, thyroid disorders, depression and anxiety, many people explain problems with their libido.  I’d love to hear more from you on this topic if you have time to comment.

So, with that, we will start our study on how parenting affects marriages tomorrow since it received the most votes.  And,, as the percentages change, I’ll keep you up to date.

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I’m anxious to start writing more research based information along with real-life examples.  So, if you will, please participate in my poll.  And, remember, anonymous comments are welcome.  I know many people frown on anonymous comments but I believe in a forum like this one, if we have the opportunity to be more honest and open, we can all learn from each other without hurting anyone.

So, please, take part of the poll.  Also, multiple selections are allowed.

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Ok, I tend to get wordy in these situations but my goal is to tell you about me and my husbands (yes  I meant that plural) as well as what I hope to do with the site. *I want to learn and I want to educate.  So, here goes:

My name is Jerri Ann and my husband is Wayne.  We’ve been married 6 years and we have 2 children.  One is 5 and the other is 3.  We have very different parenting strategies and it causes problems in our marriage.  We recently had our first counseling session because this seems to be our main marital challenge.  I will talk more about this I’m sure. 

We met on the internet.  He saw my online ad.  He sent me a message asking me to dinner.  I had a date with someone that I had been out with before but wasn’t sure I really liked.  I told him I already had plans and he immediately said, "what about lunch". 

There really is a point here, I promise. 

We went to lunch.  He asked me about dinner the next night.  I agreed.  But, I stayed out late that night and asked him to just join me at my apartment for pizza and a Braves game the next night.  (Would it be bad here to admit that I know that this was a Monday and a Tuesday but not the exact dates? It was sometime around the first of August.)  He ordered pizza and came over for the game.  He never went home. 

I am not kidding.  That is exactly what happened.  He had to be sent to Florida for business the next week and by Thursday he asked me to join him.  And, I did.  We bought a camper a month later (he worked construction).  I quit my job the next month.  We started trying to have a child the next month.  I got pregnant 2 months later.  I had a miscarriage but by this time we were living in Florida.  We tried again and immediately we were pregnant with our first child. 

At 38 weeks pregnant, I begged him to quit his job and move home with me.  He agreed.  He got a job.  We bought a home.  We had another baby.  And now…..here we are.

So, that was a trip down memory lane.  Now, a few more quick thoughts.  I want you to really know us and where we came from. 

He was freshly divorced when we met.  So fresh that he didn’t even have a copy of the papers from his lawyer.  He agreed to pay alimony and their house payment for five years.  Luckily, two years later, she got married, gave him the house and he was out of the alimony payment.

I…I am not so simple.  I married at 22 to my college sweetheart.  We grew apart.  I can’t say we tried very hard to keep the marriage together.  It ended 18 months later.  I married again 2 years later.  A rebound marriage to an abusive man.  He was verbally and physically abusive.  He wasn’t smart enough to manipulate me emotionally or intellectually. 

Here comes the hard part.  I married again in 1998.  He was abusive.  Not physically, not verbally, but the emotional and intellectual abuse was far worse.  He became addicted or I should say re-addicted to drugs.  He quit coming home from work on Fridays and would only come home when he had no money.  I finally got the nerve to leave him.  I then spent a year hunting him so that I could get a divorce.   I found him.  He was back in jail and currently he is in prison again. 

I told  you that previous part because when Wayne and I first got together, I had serious issues of him going to work and leaving me.  It took a long time (and I mean like over a year and a half) for me to be comfortable with him going somewhere without me. 

So, we’ve not come to this marriage without baggage, without expectations and sometimes the expectations have been negative.  I gave you the one example of me about feeling like I would be abandoned again so now one about Wayne.

For Wayne, his ex-wife gained a lot of weight after he married her.  I don’t mean, like 50 pounds either.  I mean, she gained almost 200 pounds.  He told me honestly when we met (I weighed about 180 pounds, so I wasn’t a little person, he didn’t care though) that he didn’t mean to be so cold but that he would not sit around and watch someone do that again.  He wished he had intervened. 

Trust me, he isn’t all about physical looks.  He hasn’t said a word as my weight shot up to 225 pounds as of late.  He has done his best to help me.  Now that we know I am diabetic and have a thyroid disorder, I’m losing weight.  We have a treadmill and my plan is to get with it on Monday.  (Why Monday?  Because I’ve had mono and my doc told me not to exercise until she checked me, so I waited.  Monday, the treadmill gets to meet me.)

So, as I said in the beginning, I get wordy with these kind of things but I believe it is important for you to know who I am, who my husband is and how we came to be in this marriage that I would say is strained first and foremost by parental strategies and secondly by financial problems but overall, 98% of the time, we are very very happy.  I would say happy enough to make the folks who know us in real life beg to know the secret.  No secret, just mature adults, doing what we have to do. 

*I am going to save this for tomorrow…because, you know, I got wordy.*

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At some point I know I need to slow down and introduce myself, but for now, I’m going to go with the flow.  Friday at my house means payday.  In every relationship I’ve ever been in I am the person who was responsible for juggling finances.  I’ve never had a husband who was wealthy either.  Most of the folks in our neighborhood consider ten dollars an hour to be an awesome amount of money.  Of course, if you have two kids, car payments and house payments and the like, you know that one person working for that amount of money is not possible.

Well, I suppose it is possible, it simply wouldn’t be easy.  My husband makes more than that but I’ve made no bones about the fact that we are in a terrible place financially.  The daycare business (which we just closed) managed to suck the very life out of us.  Couple that with me being secretive with my husband about the actual state of finances in our house and it makes for a really bad situation.

I’ve always done it though.  I don’t want my husband to know that he goes to work and works hard, sometimes 48 to 55 hours a week and then we still can’t pay all of our bills on time.  Some bills simply don’t get paid at all.  I constantly rob Peter to pay Paul as the old saying goes.

About a month ago, I came completely clean.  If you have caught yourself doing what I was doing, hiding the little things, the expenses that you think your spouse just doesn’t need to know about or be concerned with, I suggest you find a time, pull out all your documents and make the liberating speech.  It will make you feel so much better.  I was surprised at how well my husband took the whole ordeal.  Really, he isn’t a very animated man but I really expected him to go a little nuts.

He is now technically in control of the finances.  But that wasn’t exactly what he wanted either.  He wanted for us to do it together.  We’ve had this talk in bits and pieces over the past few years and he agrees to help me but then he doesn’t and I start hiding things again.  This time, I turned it all over to him, checkbook and all. 

But, the mother hen in me simply can’t help but watch him, remind him what is due and how it is going to affect us as well as what we can pay and need to pay.  So far, we are doing better than we were when I was in control, but we’ve cut back drastically. 

I look for more good things to happen in the coming months as I am busily trying my best to drum up some work online.  So, I’ll keep you posted and I can’t promise that every Friday you won’t find me here…wondering which bill to skip this week.

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Hello and Welcome

Hi, my name is Jerri Ann and I’m your new host for Marital Talk. I had a lot of thoughts about what I would tell you in my first post. However, after a visit to see our psychiatrist today, I thought I’d share this little tidbit of knowledge and introduce myself later.

*After discussing various anti-depressants and their effects on people.*

Doc: hummm, lexapro does that sometimes, but not like prozac did when it was new

*my husband and I both looking at him for further explanation”

Doc: when prozac came out years ago one of the side effects was spontaneous yawing and orgasm

*silence fills the room*

Doc: just remember, women can fake it

*more silence”

*My husband has ADD which is why he is a patient of my long known psychiatrist. I see him for depression and anxiety.*

I just wanted to look at the doc and say, “gee thanks doc, you spoiled my life plan”. Just kidding…we’ll get to that stuff some day. Not today, but some day.

And, again, I say to you, welcome!

I have to say goodbye to writing the marital talk blog. I have enjoyed sharing this part of my life, and will miss it. I will continue writing the parenting and religion blog, so please visit there.

I hope the new writer will enjoy sharing the married life with you. God bless!!

 Jean

Who’s your best friend? Is it your spouse?

I can honestly say that my husband is my best friend. When you think about what being a friend and having a friendship means, being friends with your spouse should be the foundation of your marriage:
being kind to each other
being honest with each other
loving when it’s difficult
not being judged for making mistakes
having fun together
talking to each other
listening when the other talks
making up when a disagreement happens
being faithful
encouraging each other

The other benefits of marriage will grow as the friendship grows. Being friends with your spouse will open up areas of relationship that you wouldn’t have if you were only lovers. Being friends and lovers is the best.

If you get dizzy, you better stay off the marriage go round. OK, you may be asking “What is a marriage go round?”

Let me tell you, a marriage go round is the thing all married couples deal with that they keep going round and round with. They will never agree on it, and both of them continue to think they can sway each other to their way of seeing it, doing it, or thinking about it.

It will never happen.

Now, getting off the marriage go round is as easy as deciding that going around and around has gone on long enough. Decide that being of a different opinion, persuasion, or doing things differently is ok.

It is no big deal if he puts the glasses in the cupboard out of order, at least he put them away. It’s no big deal if she pulls the car in the driveway, rather than back it in. At least she got it in the driveway without hitting anything.

And how about opinions? Who cares if he thinks the color of the house is green, and you say it’s turquoise?

Being on the marriage go round may give you something to talk loudly about, but if you get off of it, how much more intimate talking will you be able to do, and enjoy?

I say, agreeing that it’s ok to do things different, think different and hold different opinions will make marriage much more enjoyable, and help you grow as a couple.

Where did the standards for marriage go?
Since when is it alright for people to have many affairs, and expect to be treated like what they did is ok, and even the norm?

Where did the standards for authority figures go? Why is it all of a sudden a good thing to have had an adulterous marriage?

When are we going to say, enough is enough?

When are we going to stop allowing the people who are leaders in this country to do whatever their lusts demand of them, and insist that we will only elect people who have the integrity to stand for what is right, in their private lives, as well as their public lives?

When we begin to take back our rights to say “enough!”, and not allow people who can’t even keep their vows in marriage, to lead us….then maybe we will see change.

It is not alright that our leaders (As in ….I live in NY!) can’t keep their marriage vows.

If they can’t keep their marriage vows, how can we expect them to keep their public office vows?

Let’ wake up, and insist on integrity.

Check this article out. My sister-in-law sent it to me….she said it reminded her of my husband and I…..but it will be about 53 more years before we are there. I am sure we will make it though, after all, we are both devoted to making it work…forever….and ever……and ever…..and….

Thiry years ago today we met. Thanks Dad (after all, it is all your fault!)!

As I have been watching and listening to all the media reactions to Elliot Spitzer and his wife Silda, I have been both amazed and intrigued at all the differing opinions being expressed, and at some of the blaming.

Just like I said would happen, last week, some people are putting the blame on Silda.   I was particularly surprised about the remarksw Dr. Laura made. She said that when ever a man strays, he is not getting what he needs from his wife.

Putting her judgement on Silda, without knowing what was really going on in the relationship. I don’t know what’s going on either, and maybe I am wrong, but I whole heartedly DISAGREE with Dr Laura.

When do we stop making anyone who does wrong the victim, and insist that they take responsibility for their own actions, their own decisions, and their own life?

Silda may have been a neglectful wife, or she may have been a wonderful wife……but that has absolutely nothing to do with why her husband…..the man who pledged to be faithful to her, was not only unfaithful, but used a prostitute. Having sex with a prostitute is not only stupid, it’s dangerous. He put himself and his family in danger of getting sick (disease from sexual contact).

He spent money (probably not just his own money either !) , and lots of it…..for some sexual (I think it’s more like sick) fun!

And this is Silda’s fault how????

Give me a break!

Dr. Laura, you need to reevaluate your understanding of people, and begin to insist that they take resonsibility for their own decisions and actions.

Silda Spitzer, Prostitution, adultery, Spitzer, Dr. Laura